Scholarship Essay: Great, grand, wonderful!

I know you all were dying to read it! I tried mildly hard to make it entertaining too. I intend on using it. And the ending needs some work.

March 2006
And so the scholarship application process begins, two days before they are due. It says here, “On a separate sheet of paper, type an autobiographical sketch. Indicate accomplishments, interest, hobbies, future vocational plans, and the reasons for applying for this scholarship aid.” After noticing a minor grammatical error—an “s” needs to be tacked onto “interest”—I think to myself, How the dickens does a modest fellow begin a bragging essay? Four years of high school English teaches us that such essays should be formal and serious, and to open a formal and serious paper, a solemn quote or stirring anecdote is needed. I’m fairly well tired of this seriousness, because the world needs more jocularity. Personally, I find that the more I laugh at the world, the less I cry about the world. So instead I begin with the truth, which is in and of itself quite hilarious, though an incredibly stupid and terrible admission to make when I’m trying to show how awesome I am.
Since 8th grade, I have been a Boy Scout, and have given much of my time to Scouting, teaching the younger ones about what it means to follow the twelve points of the Scout Law—trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent—and performing services for the community, such as cleaning public land of litter and debris, working at town suppers, delivering phone books, and running fundraising booths at fairs and festivals. As Scouts, we must volunteer a certain number of hours to gain ranks, and we work together to achieve this goal.
Various interests of mine include hunting, skeet shooting, chess, archery, piloting airplanes, reading good books, and most importantly, playing videogames! And rest assured, I do not partake in some of the more exotic forms of entertainment that I’m sure other applicants neglect to admit to partaking in.
Ever since I was in elementary school I have wanted to help people; my fantasy careers constantly metamorphosed, from a police officer, to a teacher, to president, to comedian—laughter is indeed the best medicine—and to every type of doctor under the sun. High school soon snuck up on me, and a real choice had to be made, though I had thoroughly narrowed it down to teacher by that time. And then I discovered the incredibly stimulating field of psychology. The challenge of fixing the most involved, insane, and incredible puzzle in the known universe, the human mind, was, and is, such an attractive notion to me that after three years, the thought of changing my mind hasn’t even seriously occurred to me, and I highly doubt it ever will. Officially, my future vocational plans are: I am entering Fairfield University—my first choice college and the only one I applied to—with an intended major of Psychology, and a prospective minor in Politics. I will graduate, probably continue on to get my Master’s degree, and then move out into the world, with an incredibly lofty goal: to repair the minds of my fellow humans. After a long while, I will enter the realm of politics, and begin fulfilling another incredibly lofty goal: fixing society.
Now that I have my road mapped out, I just need to get moving. Unfortunately, I spent all my pocket change buying some gum, and all of my pirate treasure has been stolen, so funding the grand plan entails either robbing a bank or being robbed by a bank. And although both seem like very entertaining activities, I wish to forego the associated troubles that seem to always crop up when crimes occur. I am praying that my dashing good looks—coupled with my bold ambition, impressive potential, and razor-sharp intellect—will hopefully counteract my financial troubles.
My ultimate goals will be anything but easy and simple to achieve. I fully expect the roads to victory to be the longest and hardest of my life, and I whole-heartedly welcome the challenge. I view it as the world saying “No you can’t,” and my reply being “Try and stop me.” However, I need assistance to complete the journey, and I don’t consider it a weakness to ask for it. That’s really what this application really is—a plea for help.